


I miss you Carina

by juli3



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Spoilers, set after Station 19 4x06 and Grey´s 17x07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:41:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juli3/pseuds/juli3
Summary: Spoiler alert. If you haven´t seen the latest Station 19 and Grey´s anatomy Eps (4x06 and 17x07) and still wanna know what happens, you should stop here.
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 16
Kudos: 235





	1. Chapter 1

Carina hasn´t spoken since the funeral. Four weeks have passed and she hasn´t said a single word. If it wasn´t for her crying in her dreams, begging her dead brother to come back to her, Maya would have thought she had lost her voice. It broke Mayas heart to see Carina like this and she tried her best to help her girlfriend with everything she got.

She talked to Miranda some time ago and explained to her that Carina would need more sick-days. There was no way she would be able to work anytime soon. After taking a few days off herself Maya had to go back to work, but every time she left their apartment to go to the Station she just hoped nothing bad would happen and that Carina would feel better by the time she get home. But her status didn´t change. Carina wouldn´t get out of bed. She couldn´t bring herself back to normal. What was normal anyways? Her little brother had died. Maya had helped Carina to organize the funeral. It was a small ceremony with the pandemic still going on. Carinas father would have gotten a special permit to come to the US, but he thought he was on a break through with a new study concerning a covid vaccine so he didn´t come. Another thing that contributed to Carinas mental state.

“Carina, I´m home” Maya said when she closed the apartment door. No response. She sighed. She knew their routine by now. She just hoped that if she would continue to show her girlfriend all her support it would get better at some point.

So she took off her shoes and went to the kitchen. She was relieved that even if she wouldn´t get up to make herself some meals, Carina would eat whatever she put on her nightstand. So in the mornings she always made her some breakfast before leaving to work and in the evenings like now she would bring her some food as well. Carina always ate when Maya either was at work or asleep but Maya didn´t bother, as long as she ate.

She entered the bedroom, placed the food on Carinas nightstand and picked up the empty glass and plates. After putting them in the dishwasher, she ate her own meal and went back to check on Carina. She was still lying in bed on her side, facing away from Maya with the covers right up to her chin. Maya climbed on the bed, leaned over to give her a soft kiss on the cheek and lay next to her on her back without touching her. She was happy that by now Carina didn´t flinch anymore eyerytime she got near her, but she wasn´t going to risk it.

“How was your day?” she asked without getting an answer. And just like in the last weeks she went on and told Carina about her day. How there was a massive fire in a bakery and how dangerous it was because of all the flour and what they did to prevent any explosions. She went on talking about the team being back at the station having a break after that tough morning job and the alarm ringing again. That the second incident of the day was minor. It was a cat on a tree that couldn´t get down. Maya smiled at the memory of the old lady and how happy she was to have her cat back.

There was still no reaction from Carina, not a single movement. Maya was tearing up. Also a part of her daily routine. Silently crying and hoping that Carina wouldn´t notice.

-four weeks- she thought and her mind started spinning. What if it wouldn´t get better? What else could she do to help her? She had tried everything by now. Trying to convince Carina to get up to go outside on a walk, telling her that all her friends were asking about her, one day she even screamed at her to get any reaction. Nothing. It seemed like Carinas spirit has faded to some really dark place.

By now Maya was completely in tears.

“I miss you” she said, thinking Carina would be asleep by now. She didn´t know that Carina was awake and that she listened to every single word Maya said.

“I miss you Carina” Maya continued talking part to Carina part to herself “I miss you and I want you back. I need you back. I wished there would be a way to get rid of your pain. If I could, I would take it all on me, believe me. It breaks me to see you like this. I love you so much. And seeing you in so much pain and not knowing what to do leaves me just empty. I wish I could help you. I really do. But even if it takes forever. I´m not leaving. I stay by your side and you can count on me. Let me be your rock this time. For better or worse, that´s what they say, and that´s what I feel. Now its worse, but it will get better. I´m here for you. I love you.” 

Maya was really exhausted, physically and emotionally. So she got up, showered, got ready for bed and turned off the lights on her way back to bed.

“Good night my love.” she said as she closed her eyes. At first she didn´t notice the small movement next to her, but then she felt Carinas hand on hers pulling her close so that Maya was spooning her from behind, hugging her tightly. Both of them were crying silent tears and there were no words spoken, but for the first time in what felt like forever Maya thought that there was a real chance to help her through the pain and that this might be the first little step towards a better future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok everyone what was that?  
> I mean I wrote a story where Andrea dies, but... O.o?!?  
> Poor Carina. I hope at some point she can have a few episodes of happiness w/o anything bad thing happen to her :/
> 
> Still I hope you enjoyed this story.


	2. Chapter 2

They slept like this though the night. Once Maya woke up, she hugged Carina even tighter. She know nothing was back to normal, but she was more positive than ever that they could go back there someday.

And that´s how it went for the next days. Maya was sticking to their routine of bringing Carina food and talking about her days at the station. She felt like this was the right thing to do. She thought that giving Carina things she can rely on a daily basis was what she needed most right now. Her support and some consistency. And she saw the small changes in her girlfriends behavior. After that one night when Carina initiated the first contact she would face Maya when she told her about work. She still didn´t speak but she was actively listening, taking Mayas hand and let Maya hold her through the nights. It seemed like she was slowly getting better.

Having that thought on her mind, Maya entered their apartment. As always she didn´t get a response to her ‘hello’ but she was used to it by now. She had a rough day at the station, there was a fire and it was very close to not being able to safe a family from their burning home. They did it at the end but that situation still clung to her like a bad dream. All she wanted to do right now was being close to Carina. So she went straight to the bedroom. She was worried because the bed was empty. She ran into the bathroom but still no Carina in sight. She felt like she was starting to panic and went to get back to the apartment door, ready to leave and look for her, when she saw some movement in the kitchen. She slowly approached the area and looked around the corner. She couldn´t believe her own eyes.

There she was. Carina, dressed in jeans and sweater, not her pajamas like in the last weeks, standing there cooking. Maya didn´t want to make a big deal out of it, because she thought that´s definitely not what Carina would like her to do, but internally she was screaming out of pure happiness. So she decided to sit down on the already set table and wait for Carina to make her next move. 

But she couldn´t resist. “Hi beautiful” she softly said and couldn´t help but smile. Just this simple everyday task was huge for Carina and she was so happy for her.

Carina turned around and although it was very small, very shy and very short, Maya definitely saw her smiling.

Carina had made some pasta and it was the best thing Maya had been eating for the last few weeks. They ate silently but Maya was still enjoying it. She was at home, having dinner together with her girlfriend. The last time that happened felt like ages ago.

Maya finished first and just watched Carina. She soaked up every single movement she saw because she had missed everything about this so much. She was just in awe. Once Carina ate everything as well, she placed her hands down next to the empty plate and Maya could see, that she was struggling about something. But she wasn´t sure what she should do. She didn´t want to risk destroying everything and going back to the beginning so she just sat there hoping her presence was enough.

After a few minutes, Carina very quickly grabbed one of Mayas hands as if she was afraid to lose her courage. Her eyes got up to meet Mayas. Both of them having a hard time to hold back the tears by now.

And then Maya, who was longing for them for so long now, heard the first words from Carina other than those from the nights when she had bad dreams.

“Thank you Maya” Carina whispered.

Both of them had tears streaming down their faces and sat there in silence for a long time, just holding hands, smiling and staring in each others eyes before they went to bed. Like in the last nights Maya was hugging Carina from behind, holding her close and making sure she felt safe. This woman was the love of her life and she knew she wants to grow old with her, start a family, have a home together and for all of this to happen she knew that for now she had to be her home, and she was willing to give everything to show her that Carina had her safe haven with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m not sure if I should go in with this story (I have two others ongoing - one I completely forgot about Oo) but I feel like it could become something. Anyways, I´m more talking to myself here... 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Have a nice sunday everyone and a good start for the new week tomorrow :)


	3. Chapter 3

Maya was preparing breakfast. Over the years she got used to eat in the morning and she actually enjoyed it. And today she wanted to make it extra special because she knew this day was going to be hard for Carina. Today five years ago Andrea had died.

She thought about that time and how tough it was for Carina and for their relationship. After that one night when Carina was cooking the pasta after not getting out of bed for weeks it took quite some more time for her to really becoming herself again. At first it felt like Carina had lost all of her emotions. She started speaking again and they had real conversations, but they were nothing but cold. And sometimes Maya thought she had really lost her. But Carina fought, she fought hard. And Maya was so proud of her. She realized that she couldn´t lose herself and her spirit over losing Andrea. She went to therapy and Maya joined her once in a while. They also worked through stuff of their relationship and they came out stronger and they were happier than ever before. For both of them it felt like they were their family now. In this short time of having a relationship, they´ve went trough so much anger and pain and making it though all of this together, felt like being made for each other. 

At one point Carina told her father, that she needed to step back for a while. For her own sanity she just couldn´t do it anymore. At least not in the way she was dealing with the father-daughter-relationship till this point. The constant worry was just too much for her and Maya reassured her, that it is fine to put herself first for the first time in her life. 

She also remembered the first time it would have been Andreas birthday after he died. They went to his grave, Maya was holding Carinas hand and giving her support while she spoke to him.

“Happy birthday, stupid little brother” Carina said with a sad smile “I miss you so much, I cannot put it in words how much. I hope you´re good wherever you are right now. And I want you to know that you don´t need to worry about me. I´m not alone and I´m happy” she said squeezing Mayas hand.

Maya was getting emotional when she remembered that day.

She was almost done with making breakfast and just started to cut some fruit when suddenly she felt someone hugging her legs.

“Good morning sweetie” she said, looking down at the toddler who was staring at her with her bright blue eyes. She picked up the blond little girl and rested her on her hip. „Did you climb out of your crib again?” Maya asked and gave her a kiss on the cheek making her giggle. “I really need to talk to your mama about getting you a real bed now, what do you think?”

“Mama” the girl repeated with a smile.

“Good girl. That´s right. Mama.” Maya said. “And can you please think about calling me mommy anytime soon?” she tickled her and enjoyed the little laugh. “Now come on Lucia, lets wake up mama.” she said and went to the bedroom.

Carina was still sleeping and Maya carefully put Lucia next to her. The little girl crawled straight to the top of the bed and instead of stroking her hair as she must have intended, she more or less patted Carina on the head.

She woke up with a smile on her face. “Good morning bambina” she said as she cuddled with her daughter. “That’s a nice way of waking up.”

Maya was smiling at the scene and decided that breakfast could wait. She got in the bed as well and joined them in the cuddle.

“Good morning love, how are you feeling?” she asked, giving Carina a soft kiss.

“I´m good Bella, I really am.” she answered while smiling at her wife and kid, placing one hand on her baby bump “The bambino is too. I have everything I need right now right here with me in this bed. So, I´m good. Everything is going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone :) So for my own sanity I had to write this short cheesy happy end chapter, because I´m a bit afraid about whats going to happen on the show. I needed a little bit of happiness right now.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and the very nice comments. I really appreciate them.


End file.
